A ten-year-old homeschooled boy was expelled from classes on
Tuesday after biting his breakfast pastry into the shape of a surface-to-air
missile launcher, and authorities don’t know what to do with him.
Hezekiah Ezekiel Jeremiah Smith was expelled by his mother
after biting his Pop Tarts into the shape of the popular FIM-92 Stinger Man-Portable
Air-Defense System (MANPADS).
When his mother saw what he had done, Hezekiah said she got pretty
mad. “She told me, ‘just wait until your
father gets home!’ I knew then I was in big trouble.”
“I went through 17 boxes of Raspberry Pop-tarts to put
together that missile launcher,” Hezekiah explained. “It took three boxes just to get the safety
switch to work. The smaller the part,
the harder it is to bite it into the proper shape.”
“It kinda made me sick to my stomach,” he added. “Near the end I was feeding my mistakes to
the dog. I don’t think either one of us will be eating breakfast pastries for a
long time.”
The NRA immediately responded to the suspension by offering
Hezekiah a lifetime membership and a case of Tums.
The homeschool’s public relations spokesperson, fourteen
year old college freshman Abigail Bathsheba Jedidah Smith, confirmed that her
younger brother was expelled from home studies.
“He has the option of reapplying for admission at the start of the next
school year,” said Ms. Smith.
“That child!” his
mother exclaimed, shaking her head. “I have half a mind to send him to military
school, but I don’t want to encourage him.”
The problem, according to local school authorities, is that
no one knows what to do with Hezekiah. Dr. Julius No, superintendent of schools in
Flintlock, refuses to accept Hezekiah into the local elementary school. “I will not allow him to enroll in our school,”
explained Dr. No. “That young man is a
threat to the safety of every child in our district.”
“Just imagine what would have happened if that missile
accidentally launched in our school cafeteria,” Dr. No continued. “It could
have hit another student. Children might
have gotten red sprinkles in their eyes.
Students could have gotten raspberry filling stains on their shirts. I
cannot jeopardize the safety of our children by allowing Hezekiah Smith to
attend one of our schools.”
The boy's father, Bob, thought the incident was ridiculous.
“This is insanity. With all the potential issues faced by homeschools today,
threats from bullies, whatever the real
issue is, it's a pastry, ya know?' he said.
For the time being, Hezekiah is spending his days on the
family’s patio, reading books, and creating a life-sized replica of the Easter
Island statues out of Spam.
“It’s okay,” Hezekiah explained. “I’m ten years old and a
high school sophomore. I can afford to
take some time off.”
