Thursday, February 17, 2011

A Suggested Revision to Illinois SB 136

I spend a lot of time each day sitting in the main office at Apathy Elementary School, waiting for Captain Chaos to complete her therapy services. This gives me the opportunity to observe parents as they arrive at school to pick-up a child and take them to doctors appointments, dentist appointments, the hair salon, and to their non-custodial parent’s house. I have been shocked by the number of parents who cannot tell the receptionist the name of their child’s teacher, their room number, and in a few instances, their child’s grade level. In the interest of fairness, and passing legislation that might make a difference, I suggest that Illinois Senator Edward “I’m full of boloney” Maloney submit the following bill for consideration:


State of Illinois

2011 and 2012SB0136

Suggested to be Introduced by Sen. Edward D. Maloney


105 ILCS 5/2-3.25o

105 ILCS 5/26-1 from Ch. 122, par. 26-1

Amends the School Code. Requires the parents or legal guardians of children attending public schools, a defined term, to demonstrate that they know what in blazes is going in their children’s lives.


SB0136 LRB097 02721 NHT 42742 b

1. An act concerning education.

Be it enacted by the People of the State of Illinois, represented in the General Assembly:

A Demonstration of a basic awareness of WTF is going on in their children’s lives.

(a) Findings. The General Assembly finds and declares that frequently parents of children attending public schools lack a basic knowledge of where their children go and what they do each day, such as the name of their child’s teacher or the classroom number where their child spends six hours each weekday.

Parents should be able to answer basic questions such as:

1. How old is your child?

2. What is the name of your child’s school?

3. Where is it located?

4. What is your child’s grade level?

5. What is your child’s teacher’s name?

6. Can your child add?

7. Correctly?

8. Can your child subtract?

9. See question #7

10. Question #7 comes before question #8 and after question #6.

11. The “#” symbol means “number.”

12. What is your child’s cell phone number?

13. How many naked pictures has your daughter taken of herself and texted to her boyfriend’s cell phone?

14. Any other questions as deemed appropriate by the Department of Education, a competent government agency, the average six-year-old homeschooled child.

(b) Homeschooling families, by definition, know the answers to the questions enumerated above, as well as Latin, the theory of relativity, and how to make some really excellent apple pies with some pretty darn flakey crusts, and are exempt from the requirements of this bill.

This should give Truant Officer Bill Reynolds something to knock on doors and talk about. He can assume that parents of public school students who do not wish to answer his questions are in violation of the law, criminally stupid, or just plain clueless, and take appropriate action as he sees fit.

Feel free to add your thoughts to this bill.


  1. I laughed - out loud - multiple times. And then I got worried. Because, if there was such a bill... and if parents were required to know the things their kids are supposed to know... and if those same parents were required to spend the necessary time to help their children... then, as a tutor, I'd be out of a job.

    And until I find a tutors union to join, or obtain tenured tutor status... well, I just can't have that.

  2. Brilliant. Absolutely Brilliant. And, as always, so funny, I'm crying. Seriously.

    ARBY for IL SENATE 2012!!!!